I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go

I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

-John Denver

See the poor little West Highland Terrier in the crate, right above the "Cebu" on the wagon?

That's just not right! He's too tiny to be left in the freezing belly of this whale of steel.

I bet there are turkeys in the perforated boxes!

Here I go again. Gonna get high on Dramamine and Coca Cola. Both help with the air sickness.

Ground Crew, we are all clear in the cabin. Secure for take off please.

Low and tight across the lap.

It was now 12:37PM. Our flight was scheduled to depart at 12:00PM.

Mga binibini at ginoon, in order to expedite take off, please take your seat and ensure that your seat belts are securely fastened low and tight across your lap. 

To put on your seat belt, insert flat end into buckle. Pull loose end of the belt to tighten.

[It is unlikely, but...] In the event of a water landing, pull the life vest over your head, secure the strap around your waist. To inflate the vest, pull on the red tabs. Do NOT inflate the vest while still in the aircraft.

Really?!

In the event of a change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from the panels above. Reach out and pull the mask toward you. Place the mask over your mouth and nose, tighten the loose ends, and breathe fully. Oxygen is flowing, even if the bag does not inflate.

For more safety information, please refer to the emergency guides located in the seat pocket in front of you.

In all my years of flying -  and trust me, I have flown many, many miles  - I have never heard this: [although it is very unlikely...] in the event of a crash landing-

Wha-? 

Crash?

We're going to CRASH?!

Remember folks, the ABC hit series Lost is fiction. And the comedy movie Airplane is just that, a movie. There ain't anybody sane in a crashing plane.

I met a young priest in Bohol who told a good joke:

A priest had died, and gone to Heaven. Upon arriving at the Gate of St. Peter, he asked the saint "Statistically, what group of people make it through your gate the most?" 

"Habal-habal drivers," answered St. Peter.

The priest was perplexed. He had expected St. Peter to say men and women of the cloth, like himself. "How is that?"

    

"Because their driving makes their passengers call on God relentlessly." 

Hisusmariahosip! 

'Sus, Ginoo ko!

Santa Maria!

Dios ko, tabang!

Pay attention, flight pursers! If you want to go to Heaven...

Where was I?

... in the event of a crash landing...

See that jiggly leg? It belongs to yours truly, a putoter who stands at a very proud 4'11". Yet, notice the minimal leg room for me between the seats. How does even one such passenger get into the Brace For Impact Position?

I once met a Native American Tribal Chief who came to Seattle from Alaska for a totem pole ceremony. He was a little dark man who stood straight as an arrow. His leathered, wrinkled face and hands bore witness to a significant history, for he was very, very old. He spoke only Inuit, a native language. He must have thought I was from his tribe  -  I've been mistaken for a Native American at a few pow wows before  -  because he said to me (which was translated by his young companion) "I'd never been on an airplane before. I wanted to drive here, but that would take too long. When I sat down and fastened my seat belt, I almost decided to get off the plane. But then this kind lady in a blue suit stood over us all, and [motions with his arms in the air, like priest giving a blessing], blessed us with a prayer. That made me feel better about flying!"

Mga binibini at ginoon, this aircraft has five exits; two exits located in the aft, two over the wings, and one in the forward cabin. Please look around to find your nearest exit, keeping in mind that it may be behind you.

Maghimaya ka Maria...

Hisus, Hisus, kon ako ma matay,

Tell my mother 'do not cry'...

Ginoo, palihog lang...

I just got my nails done...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have light winds from the south, but I expect that our flight will be smooth. Once we have reached our cruising altitude, feel free to roam about the cabin.

I'll close with one last joke, as told by Papa B.

A boy and his father took a passenger pum-boat (a motorized outrigger long boat) from Bohol to Cebu. As in the olden days of travel, the conductor collected fares en route. During which time, someone had farted. 

"Boy," said the father. "I will give you P10 if you can figure out who farted." There were eighteen passengers comprised mostly of men, a few women, and the boy.

As the boat approached Pier 3, the father admonished the boy. "We're about to arrive, and you haven't figured it out. Tsk, tsk, tsk."

The boy stood up and announced with such authority! "Hoy, ang nang-otot wala pa raba mo bajad!" [Oy! The person who farted hadn't paid their fare yet!]

A pretty young lady near the front of the boat turned around and declared forcefully "Oy! I paid already, hah!"

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

Don't know when I'll be back again...

-John Denver 

A Flag Ceremony

I was driving home early one morning, when I was forced to a stop on the road at an elementary school. There was a signage posted on the blockade that read: 

STOP

Flag Ceremony

I rolled down my window, and was serenaded by the tinkling of tens of xylophones playing the Philippine national anthem, accompanied by the voices of children singing in unison. It was heart wrenching to see such stoic children standing at attention with their right hands held up so patriotically. 

"Lupang Hinirang"
Composed by Julian Felipe on June 12, 1898

Bayang magiliw, perlas ng silanganan.
Alab ng puso, sa dibdib mo'y buhay.
Lupang hinirang, duyan ka ng magiting
Sa manlulupig, di ka pasisiil.
Sa dagat at bundok, sa simoy at
sa langit mong bughaw,
may dilag ang tula at awit
sa paglayang minamahal.
Ang kislap ng watawat mo'y
tagumpay na nagniningning.
Ang bituin at araw niya
kailan pa may di magdidilim.
Lupa ng araw, ng lualhati't pagsinta,
buhay ay langit sa piling mo.
Aming ligaya na pag may mang-aapi,
ang mamatay ng dahil sa iyo.

After the anthem ended, I drove away, my heart filled with pride and gladness to have witnessed such a powerful ceremony performed by such meek souls.

The Slow Boat to Bohol

There's the fast craft, and there's her cousin the slow boat. An antiquated, rumbling piece of steel painted over so many times, I bet no one even remembers how many layers of paint cover it, much less how many colors. 

The ever insistent porter. He won't leave you alone until you let him carry your bags for you.

However warm the soda is, do not drink the ice. I repeat: DO NOT DRINK THE ICE!

Just before they pull the plank, the conductor announces Fuera visita! Visita fuera! Fuera! Fuera! Fuera! (Get out visitors! Visitors get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!)

The slow boat takes two hours to cross the Strait of Bohol, unlike her modern cousin, the fast craft.

In two hour's time, you can:

1. Stare at the sea until your eyes run out of tears.

2. Take a nap.

3. Scrounge for food in Tita Nida's bags.

4. Meet new friends, like Erlinda. 

Erlinda told me she's originally from Leyte, but now lives in Bohol. "I've lived sa gawas [outside of the country] though."

Curious about where in the world she'd been, I asked where.

"Manila, of course!"

Ah, she meant outside of the Visayas.

5. Take a nap. Oh, did I say that already?

There is plenty of time for naps.

6. Watch the Super Ferry sail to Manila.

7. Watch the Super Ferry pass your antiquated, rumbling piece of slow metal as she sails to Manila.

And when you finally reach Bohol, two hours later, you greet your welcoming party who'd been waiting for you for the last hour because they thought you got on the fast craft. 

They thought wrong.

And then you take the three-wheeled ride home.

And when the welcoming posse asks you "what took you so long?"

You tell them this story:

There was a young man in Cebu, wearing a uniform, and carrying an armalite.

This young man was so nice as to escort us to the boat.

And before we got on the boat, we were greeted by the crew, all dressed in white.

They told us we were so special that they needed to make sure they drove the boat slow to avoid the white caps.

But then Richard opens his big mouth. "Someone thought it would be a good idea to ride the slow boat for old time's sake." All the while, looking at me with disdain.

Someone thought I was so un-cool to insist on taking the slow boat.